(image via rocketroberts.com)
Reading: Chemistry for Dummies.
Eating: Oatmeal with a splash of milk and some brown sugar. I usually have eggs for breakfast but felt like something different. Later I’ll dig into some Greek yogurt, carrots, and a sandwich.
Drinking: English breakfast tea. I’ve limited myself to one cup of coffee a day for the next while. Coffee has been giving me chest pains. Don’t be alarmed. I’ve had them since I was 17 years old; my doctor said they’re caused by stress.
Wearing: jeans and my caffeine molecule t-shirt from Thinkgeek.
Feeling: A bit sad still about what happened in Boston, and also because the other day marked one year since my friend’s mother died. She was a nice lady, so I was sad to learn she had passed away.
Weather: currently sunny and -2C with temperatures expected to rise to 8C. Spring is slowly making its way to us in Canada.
Wanting: to play with my dog. That’s it really.
Needing: for Summer to hurry up and get here. I’m glad hoodie weather is back but I will be even happier when Summer arrives.
Thinking: about a blog post I’m writing for the retroist.
Enjoying: the peace and quiet, and my bright sunny office. I like that I have an officer trailer almost completely to myself. I am alone most of the day and it is bliss!
interesting day mostly having to do with work. I figure if I get what I want I’ll be pushing a nice 6 figure income. Now that will get me a cabin on a lake for sure or at least, for now, my new truck.
If anyone has any advice on how to stop talking too much, let_me_know because I’ve been doing that way too much lately and it’s a continuous battle to try and curb it. I find that when I’m uncomfortable around people that I tend to talk too much. When I’m alone or among strangers I tend to be very quiet. I think I just have to be more mindful of the moment and just pause before I decide to speak— think over my words and decide whether they need to be said at all.
The weightlifting regime is going very well and yes, I’ve stuck to it. My goal is to gain strength so I’m hoping to see some positive and noticeable gains by September.
I’m feeling a bit out of sorts the last week. It’s probably due to two main factors. The first is I read a book that mindfucked me so I’m still deciding whether that’s a good thing or not. The second is I started weightlifting again after 5 years.
After my surgeries in 2002 I tried to get back into weightlifting and trail running but I found I would either get to the point of passing out or I would have to sleep for 5 hours to recover. My doctor said it was chronic fatigue due to the stress on my body due to the surgeries. I was disappointed and figured if I rested and did light exercise such as walking and yoga I’d find the energy to do more later on. Then basically, after a time, I just forgot about it.
Since then I’ve used caffeine as a crutch since I refuse to use illegal or even legal drugs. The coffee I drink is almost as black as my clothes and keeps the chronic fatigue on the edge of my perception. I am so overstimulated on caffeine that sometimes I vibrate like on an adrenaline rush. So even though coffee is good in moderation I’ve decided that getting back to weightlifting and running albeit slowly are better for my health and increasing energy naturally.
I’ve actually started a new project in regards to this which I figure in September I’ll be willing to share. Some good news is I’m not as out of shape as I thought because I haven’t felt as much muscle soreness as I thought I would. I figured after a workout I would be damn near crippled for a few days after— turns out, not so much. I feel pretty good. Then again, I lead an active lifestyle— I’m constantly on the go and I walk everywhere since I don’t drive while on site.
I figure this should be successful as I usually finish what I start that’s why me and new year’s resolutions are like peanut butter jelly. Or it could just be because I only choose the fun ones :P
while I was deciding where I’m going to live next I thought about what I really want. In all honesty, a small cabin by a lake with a deck. All it needs is one main room, a kitchen and a bathroom. That’s it. Oh, and the deck. I would be bliss. A room to read, a room to take many hot baths and a room to make blueberry pancakes. Add in a bed, desk, comfy reading chair and a couple bookshelves and I would have a place simple enough and cozy enough that I would be able to just be creative or indulge in the creativity of others. magical.
the journal prompt for today is, “when I look deep in my eyes, I see…”:
- the sum total of all my experiences.
- green and blue flecks.
- dancing light.
- eyes that still delight in discovery and details.
- fatigue; as my eyes are a faithful servant and willing sacrifice for my book lust.
- the truth of me and my only goal— the pursuit of truth and beauty.
- distrust of the motivations of others.
- shadows of wisdom earned and gained.
- unfocused— often lost in thought.
- the me that I am which, like most of us, is not reflected through our outward appearance.
prying open my third eye,
I take my inner child
for a blueberry pancake breakfast.
Among melted butter and maple syrup,
she weaves a story of creation.
the womb as earth and artist,
engorged with the blood and fire of metamorphosis,
in our chrysalis we are molded and smoothed by the waters of life.
Our senses tell a half truth,
the breath of intellect begins our myth.
the story continued and I despaired the struggles of love,
indulged in the succulent and sensual,
delighted in the playful sex of invention
and the chaotic ecstasy of being.
All the miracle of breath and the deliberate discourtesy of art.
dew drops and rolls off petals
and paint caresses a canvas.
They are the same— a pattern recognition—
Our primal urges to create and fornicate.
We are divine so we mimic the passion of gods.
With every stroke of the brush,
or act of sex and pleasure,
we map our way back to truth of being.
more details to come about why I’m back at camp three days early. But I need to sort it all out first. In a nutshell, I’m done with Medicine Hat and have decided to be homeless and live up at camp. I have to keep my apartment for a couple more months but I won’t be back to get my stuff until August.
On another note I did spend too much money at the art store and I’m really okay with that ;) I read this quote by Edith Sitwell the other day while in Lethbridge and I think it really sums me up perfectly:
“I am not eccentric. It’s just that I am more alive than most people. I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.”
After reading that quote then finding myself in Fort McKay not having slept in 24 hours after driving for 10 hours, I found myself rather contemplative. If I’m going to have my own quote that sums up my philosophy, well, here goes:
I have this All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten philosophy on life. I figure that if I take care of all my adult responsibilities then I’m free to play doctor, muck about in the sandbox, colour outside the lines and take lots of naps.
Tomorrow is home day so after pancakes w/maple syrup and scrambled eggs I’m driving home to Medicine Hat for 4 days of fun, frolic and definitely a few trips to the art store. To continue with my visual blogging I was given the prompt of “I Want To…” so here is all that I want to do (for now):
- I want to create the perfect cup of coffee.
- I want to eat breakfast in bed while indulging in art books under crisp white sheets and lots of blankets.
- I want to sit under an umbrella in the the sun and stare out at the ocean.
- I want to spend too much money at the art store and be okay with that.
- I want to grow love like a seed and nurture it until it becomes full and tall in the sun.
- I want to wake up in the morning; open my eyes and stare into the face of love.
- I want to read books wearing only cotton underwear and cashmere sweaters.
- I want to make art until there is no separation between us.
- I want to be okay with being okay that I work on an oil patch and enjoy my job.
- I want my feet to be bare nekkid in the grass.
- I want to make my apartment my home.
- I want to be a kick-ass photographer.
- I want to sit in a thunderstorm and be divine.
- I want to make oatmeal cookies just like my mom.
- I want to buy a desk that takes up half the room. The other half will be for my bed where I can bunker down under all those blankets and watch war movies.
my new hobby is visual journaling. When I get a scanner I will scan some of the pages I’ve been creating. Tonight I was given a prompt of “Sometimes I” so I wanted to share what I wrote in response:
- stare out at the horizon and forget everything else.
- make myself laugh.
- wish that I liked to eat vegetables.
- just like to stretch out like a cat and be feline.
- think that a hot cup of tea is the best pleasure in the world.
- think it’s okay to like someone I shouldn’t because being around him makes me happy.
- just want to start my life over.
- allow myself the wisdom to know I earned the life I have.
- want to lay in a hammock and read forever.
- feel like I do have a guardian spirit because I get away with more than I ever should.
- strive to make life sensual so that it’s all about art, sex, simple pleasures and hot cups of tea.
- remember that I’m more happy than I am sad so I’m doing more than okay.
oh and um…after all is said and done the book count ended up being 52 books…
I don’t want to buy blindly into the belief that busyness equals importance, just to satisfy my ego’s need for recognition. I want to stay conscious of the seductions of productivity and measurable accomplishment, and to what I do with heart and soul and full attention, not measuring it against anyone else’s productivity, or even against my own past performance. (Note: holy run on sentence Batman)What I love about being me is that I have no ‘should’ or ‘else’ in my life. I always do what I want to do— perhaps that is a defining quality of my eccentricity. Even with my job; I wanted the job so therefore I want to do the work. If not, I go and do something else.
The second quote is from May Sarton:
The price of being oneself is so high and involves so much ruthlessness toward others (or what looks like ruthlessness in our duty-bound culture) that very few people can afford it. Most people swallow the unacceptable because it makes life so much easier.
I have a friend up at camp from Nova Scotia and once in awhile we stay up until we’re exhausted and just exist and talk. Once in awhile we have some somewhat profound discussions. We are very much alike him and I, but we also approach our sameness from very different paths. One thing that defines both of us is we do have the ruthlessness towards others that allows us the freedom to be ourselves. It’s rare to meet someone who understands the why and reasoning behind one’s approach to life.
On another note: I was so good for the last couple months and only bought a few books. That all went to hel today when I bought 16 new books to add to the 12 I just bought 2 weeks ago. It’s soOoo worth it though! I have an addiction to books and I don’t ever want the cure.
Updates are a good thing. Upcoming I have my new blog which will take a different direction but still focus on spirituality but it will also be balanced with art. I have my Star Wars site and podcast to finish and my Web 2.0 project. Oh and I cannot forget my 101 things in 1001 days list. good stuff.
My new blog won’t be showcased until I have the CSS and graphics absolutely perfect. It won’t be another work in progress but completed as a framework for what I feel I need to express.
I couldn’t pass up posting today because I’ve now been in Alberta for a year. It hasn’t been a dull experience that’s for sure. If I was to say what has been the most interesting thing that’s happened to me this year it would be…me. I’m 100% not the person I was when I left British Columbia one year ago.
I think there comes a day, or perhaps several days over a lifetime when one experiences a sense of infinity and with that, a sense of permission. I experienced that today as I have done so a few times in the past. It is a feeling that I have been given the strength to become more authentic. I also sense that the choices I make from now on will be positive and doubt has but an evanescent grip.
It’s a feeling of harmony and of time slowing down into focus. Perhaps willpower is the arrogance of the ego and now the natural strength of the soul takes over and provides a truer voice. Perhaps it’s even a sense that I’ve taken root within myself and with that comes the responsibility of becoming and shaping what the soul knows but the ego lacks and allows to stay barren.
I’ve always thought that one can sculpt and create themselves into a living work of art. But I also thought that time was in the past. I believe that at any point it can happen especially when the two greatest creators—the God and Goddess, have a chance to help. Strength and openness and a willingness not to judge or fear the process with greatly decrease obstacles. I guess it’s a naturalness of being—a serene moment when all else fails to define you except yourself. A willingness to experience setbacks with the flowing grace of being human.
Well to celebrate a year, besides finally buying my new Canon XTI Rebel digital camera in two weeks when I get off shift, I wrote another damn poem ;) enjoy.
haunted in darkness I slip
into a Dionysian dream.
unique, alone, forgotten—
freed from the shroud of tortured bards.
Cradled only by the moon,
infused with light and evanescent,
I move through the darkened apple orchards of revelation.
Aphrodite, the goddess of my temptation,
enticing me into the womb of sin.
Offering the fruit to fertilize my mind
and to grow in the womb of knowledge.
Erotic, the apple wine of the cosmos—
I am possessed, alone and with a full heart
In the orchard I gild my apple
with the alchemist’s gold.
I release and allow the Elysian sweetness
to be the muse of love and words,
and sing the sonnet cycle of my immortal soul.
I will be away from the blogsphere and most of the internets until June 1, 2007. You can email me at gildedapple[at]gmail[dot]com if you would like to know the address of the new blog I’ll be creating. I don’t know when exactly it will be online but hopefully before June 1.
I’m starting to feel frustrated and definitely annoyed lately. One thing that I can’t stand is when certain people are always trying to put me into a role that I do not enjoy or appreciate. I think it must be social anxiety that causes some people to play the same scenarios out over and over. I find it exhausting and being in a remote and isolated area I can’t seem to escape it.
Today I got told I have an “acid tongue” because I can be downright to the point and sarcastic. But this is from an older man that for the last 8 months perpetuates it because he’s never been anything BUT sarcastic to me. He mocks everything I do or say whether it’s my religion or my upcoming trip to India. Over and over, day in and day out. To him it’s a form of socializing, to me it’s exhausting and immature and a cycle I just can’t seem to break. Tomorrow however, I will. Enough is enough.
On the positive side I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. Well more sleep would be nice but the reason it’s positive is because I’m just full of energy since the equinox. I wrote back in October (?) that I was entering a more introspective, darker phase as Samhain approached. Now that it’s Spring I have this boundless energy and no matter what I do or how much I write I can’t keep up with it. Smiles all around :)